PORN

Porn is cool. I just masterbated and I have come to the conclusion that porn, is awesome. If you're a dude, and don't think porn is cool, there's something wrong with you. Seriously, I don't think we're gonna get along if you don't think porn is the bomb! dot com!

If this topic is too much for you to handle, get a life. Girls, don't act like you've never given a blow job. We're all human, get real.

Porn is cool for soo many reasons. I was watching the MTV movie awards earlier today and when Jessica Alba came on, my friend was like "I'd fuck the shit out of her". I thought, good thing you could touch yourself!

Porn is crazy. How many of these paragraphs are gonna start with "porn"? Porn is soo crazy. What we're really doing when us dude are joikin' it, is living vicariously through others. We are experiencing moments in anothers life we may never live. For example, I most likely will never fuck Brianna Banks, however, my boy Lex Steele got all up in that, so I'm gonna live vicariously through him as I picture myself in his place. Get what I'm saying?

Porn is like... A billion dollar industry! And for good reason, it totally brings the rape count down and provides me and most normal guys an activity to perform when we get bored/are alone in the house/have blue balls etc.

I'm not gonna list reason why porn is awesome, it just is. Even if you have a girlfriend/fuck buddy or something, nothing is quiet as personal as you on yourself. No one knows the exact rhythm and pace quiet like you know yourself. And for all you virgins.. It gives you a general idea of what happeneds, when and if you do ever get it in for the first time.

If you don't think porn is awesome.. If you don't think porn is awesome, okay, I'll give you a list.

If you dont think porn is awesome, you're probably...
..too pretentious to admit you watch it.
..not a properly functional man.
..don't have a dick.
..using your imagination when you rub one out.
..don't have a computer.
..and the list goes on..

I won't even feel comfortable talking to you if you don't like porn. On the flip side, if you like porn too much.. I probably wouldn't feel comfortable talking to you either. But I think when guys can discuss porn and jerkin off and shit, it really says he's comfortable with himself and being around others. I think it's like a social code or something...

..your a cool mother-fucker if I can chat about porn n shit with you.

Simple things.

Simple ways to be a better person:

-Start fewer of your sentences with 'I'. You'd be surprised how much you talk about yourself in ratio to how much people care.

-Hang out with "day time" people. They tend to be more responsible and make the world go round. They're the ones you see at parties and say "I don't see you at parties often!" in your drunken stupor.

-When someone asks you, what do u like to do, have a badass answer. "I hunt serial killers."

-Get into a routine to prove you are capable of routine then break the routine and make a new one.

-Stay/get in shape, there's no reason to be fat.

-smoke pot once In a while, it really opens up your mind. If your smoking everyday, that could be a bit much.

-pay attention to pop culture, just a little. Thing about it is that it's popular which means a lot of people pay attention to It. I'm guessing you might be happier if you like the people you're put on this planet with. Knowing to make small talk about celebrities really helps.

-Take an improv or acting class. I've never done this though I hear it teaches you to be more confident and hold your own socially.

-Believe in something when you die, anything. It could be an existing religious faith or made up off the top of your head. When I die, I'll be a tree, a happy tree, till I get cut down.. Then I'll be a happy toothpick!

-Keep your downer comments to yourself, save it for Downer discussions with other friends when they're down too. Misery loves company.

Happy Birthday to ME!

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I Recommend...

...you don't take me too seriously.

...you check this blog at least once a week.

...you start a blog.

...you express your criticism towards your friends.

...you own whoever you are.

...you learn to love yourself.

...you get involved with society.

...you find somebody to love.

...you appreciate small gestures.

...you drink tea(earl grey).

...you adopt a personality.

...you stop smoking pot.

...you do everything so you regret nothing.

...you live all or nothing.

...you be extravagant while you can.

...you become someone extraordinary.

...you have no remorse when you're old and wrinkly.

...you have box wine with your friends occasionally.

...you watch cable TV.

...you own an iphone.

...you try hummus.

...you use a water bottle instead of wasting plastic.

...you start to care about earth.

...you start to care about your future.

...you don't cum on her face.

...you do your homework.

...you don't settle for a GED.

...you start listening to the Beatles.

...you voice your opinion.

...you argue with your friends.

...you save money.

...you spend money.

...you have a 3some.

...you lose your virginity before you're 21.(more then enough time)

...you demand my respect.

...you watch Wes Anderson movies.

...you don't get addicted to anything.

...you realize there's no difference between free-range and caged chicken.

...you eat granola.

...you have cereal whenever you want.

...you not care what I think unless you want to.

...you not attack me on the street.

...you go legit snowboarding.

...say yes to as many opportunities as you can.

...you be my friend if you like me.

Deal Breakers

On behalf of Men everywhere, I propose this list I've compiled as Our new bible. Alright maybe on behalf of just me. These are my personal Deal breakers. Like if I'm just getting to know you, on that first date...or maybe it'll just come up in small talk, but the moment I find any of the things on this list to be true about you! All Bets are OFF!

Girl Deal Breakers

-If you're a Jesus freak
-taller then me
-shorter then me by more then 6 inches
-A Bad kisser
-if I dress better then you
-more macho then me
-if your vadge is gross
-dying(sorry)
-Illiturate
-are with child
-have AIDS(sorry)(kind falls into 'dying' category)
-ugly
-used to be a man
-look like any of my family members
-hairier then me
-obsessed with your ex
-talk wayyy too much and don't pause for a second to let me breath/think/respond
-Or have yellow teeth or gross teeth in general.

This was all from my dudely perspective. while chatting today with my new friend Katie I asked her what where some deal breakers of hers? what factors in the male species made her privates run and hide?! I had to know what girls have to say. so we got to brain storming! Surprisingly the list she came up with was a tad longer then the one i made, am I selling myself short? should I be completely sexist and make impossible demands?! Katie was a great sport and was a wealth of feminine Knowledge, so Fellas take notes!


Guy deal breakers

-Can't be shorter
-can't be unambitious(double neggy, sorry)
-Too American[burgers and fries]
-Not too conservative
-if you happend to be Uncultured and stupid
-Balding
-Size matters!
-Face tats
-Gross apt.
-Bad hygiene
-Overly metro/gay/prissy
-if you a Bigger cup size[titty wise]
-Body odor
-Crooked teeth
-Greasy hair
-If your more into shopping then me
-Lazy
-Where more Jewelery then me
-Chapped lips
-If you wear crocs
-Carpenter jeans
-Cowboy boots[nooo]

Good Mood!

I'm in a really good mood! although I've found the more interesting Blog posts have been when I was upset about something, I think this ones a good one!

I just took a shower and i feel amazing! I scrubbed and scrubbed every inch of myself. being well groomed is always a nice feeling. If your ever in a bad mood, a Showers always gna pick you up ever so slightly. I'm not advocating that it's gonna save your life, but If your stinky, It might get you more friends!

On top of all this, I also shaved my package! it's been a minute, it was starting too look like a 40 year old Serbian down there. Ha! I honestly don't know where women stand on male pubic hair, but personally i like to keep it trim, about a centimeter is good. Every guy should do this! you will(as I did) fall in love with your penis all over again! Enough to blog about it!

I cant stress the importance of loving yourself. The love I have for myself is bordering Narcissism, which can be bad, but i feels so good...

This is my list of things that will always pick You/me up! :

1. walking around Target.
2. Jersey shore, The OC, sex and the city, SEINFELD

3. SEINFELD

4. write out your feelings

5. blog about your penis/vagina

6. take a Bubble bath.(showers are almost as good)

7. eat jello

8. Try on all your clothes, you'll really get a kick if you rediscover something old!

9. chill with an animal(they're just so accepting)

10. play gay 90s music and rock out to it in private!

General theme here? do shit your not gonna fail at. Save the challenges of your crazy life for when your on point! Sharp, ready, focused! I am so ready for life!

did I mention Tuesday I have class from 9:10 am to 9:10 pm? Bring it on.

Rules of Partying(how lame)

How lame is it to have rules for partying?!? yeah, nearly as lame as AIDS! That's fuckin lame, lame like a biscuit in rain. Pay attention moron! This is important! I know you like to party your life away and wake up at 2 in the afternoon, i see you playa.

Listen meat head. when you get into a tight Situation, I won't say I told you so. matter of fact, fuck you! like you matter...

Rules of the party

1. Never take anything too personal. Whether it's some girl blowing u
off or some drunk guy picking a fight. Just brush it off.

2. Rules are meant to be broken.

3. Don't go for chicks with boyfriends. (though keep the first 2 rules in mind.)

4. Always take care of a friend.

5. Use a condom(your dick is gross).

6. Drink lots of water through out the night.

7. Make sure nothing is left behind. (Wallet, phone, keys, iPod,
Clothing, bag etc)

8. Don't start a fight or be rude to cops or authority (though backflips off squad cars are funny in retrospect.)

9. Avoid broken glass and hurting yourself. Your gonna regret it in the morning.

10. Make sure your free the next day or have time to deal with a
Potential hangover.

11. Never have liquor after beer.

12. It's NOT okay to just let the chick deal with the baby.

I realize my demographic doesn't really reach juicehead guido, so, fuck them. If you're heading down to the shore, fuck you Snookie! JK. I loves that show, I'm secretly/now openly jealous of their hair gel usin', fist pumpin', grenade smooshin', super-extra/ballerific lifestyle. GTL(GYM/TAN/Laundry) Bitchioso!!!
Jon<3

And so it begins...

These last few week have been like, a brain hurricane/meltdown which has led me to rebuild my concept of what is important and what is not. Also did i mention i broke my arm? of coarse i did, I've been bitching about it on facebook for the past month.

Now that I'm over that lump of being sad, it's time to be doing more fun things! like writing this Blog! I love you! And if you don't love me and wish to love someone else, I've found the magic formula!

How to Fall in Love:

1. Find a complete stranger.
2. Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour.
3. Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.